


Cacophonies

by HumbleNachos412



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, College!MC, F/M, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24095413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HumbleNachos412/pseuds/HumbleNachos412
Summary: In a world full of cacophonies pulling us in every direction. Where masked men and women flock around us, how are we certain that they are not merely sirens, serenading us to ruin?Which tune shall we listen to? Which tune shall we dance to?I hope it's yours.
Relationships: Han Jumin/Main Character, Han Jumin/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 40





	Cacophonies

Even before Jumin met her at the very first party she organized, he could already tell the growing affection he had for her. Considering she had little experience, he was thoroughly impressed with how well she did.

When the party finally arrived, he vividly remembered the dress she wore. The cloth was in the deepest shade of blue with a bodice that hugged her torso almost temptingly.

She stood beside Jaehee as they discussed the contents of a paper. A few moments later, she nodded conclusively and Jaehee walked off. Left on her own, she gripped her knee-length skirts and took a deep breath to rid herself of the growing nerves. She paced to and fro a few times before finally, she spotted him. She slowly— almost meekly approached him. Her smile looked even brighter up close. 

“Jumin, it’s good to finally meet you,” she said. They were the words that broke the final barrier of their acquaintance that had been growing in the chat room.

To this day, he still finds it embarrassing how it took him a few moments to give his reply. “Yes,” he quickly said to make up for his absent-mindedness. “It is also good to finally meet you. You look lovely.

“Oh,” she chuckled and for half a moment averted her eyes. “Thank you. That’s sweet of you to say.” At the time, Jumin thought she was demure. She couldn’t hold his stare for more than a minute, and her hands, she couldn’t quite decide where to put them. That changed, however, when the guests started arriving.

It was like a switch had gone off. She had her shoulders squared and she laughed without a care in the world. She was absolutely charming and he was completely enamored. In the way, she spoke. In the way, she smiled. In the way, she moved her hands with soft gestures. She was better at hosting than she let on.

When the auction was over and everyone was enjoying their dinner. Jumin sat at the RFA table with the head of the animal conservation organization they’ll be donating to. Half-way through their conversation, the venue manager interrupted them, requesting an urgent and private audience. The manager then brought them to another room where Jaehee and 2 other guests were.

Jaehee turned to them as she ended the call. “Ah, good, you’re both here,” she said. “One of our guests is having an allergic reaction to the lamb, thankfully she has an EpiPen.”

The news came so suddenly that she couldn’t mask the look of horror in her eyes. “You’re Ms.Gwan,” she said. “You’re the editor of Sugar Magazine, you mentioned you’re allergic to cashew, I made it clear to the chefs which guests had allergies,” she turned to Jaehee, “How could this happen?”

“I’m trying to find out now,” Jaehee answered before her phone rang once more.

“If her dish was...I mean, do we tell the guests? What if…” She swallowed hard, her hands coming down to grip her skirts. “Uh…”

Jumin placed a hand over her shoulder. “Calm down,” he whispered. She turned to him. A storm of mania and restraint struggled for control in her eyes. “You’re more likely to make mistakes in trying to solve this while you panic.” His thumb caressed the soft material covering her shoulder. “Calm down,” he said once more and kept his hand there until her shoulders relaxed.

A breath escaped her lips. “Yes, yes, you’re right. Of course. What should I do?”

Since the affected woman is a magazine editor, they should be careful in dealing with this. Otherwise, the press will be all over RFA, more specifically the hostess. Jumin looked at his watch. “For now, just get back to the dining hall, the closing speech is almost here. It’s important not to alert the guests, can you handle that?”

She nodded attentively. “Yes, yes, of course.”

"Jaehee and I will handle this.” She released another deep breath before nodding and doing as told. It was a simple matter to clean up, it’s certainly not the first time Jumin experienced such a thing. Besides, the fault is not with her, it’s with the chefs. 

Despite the hiccup, the party was a success. And when the party drew to a close, the RFA, without her knowledge, had brought a bouquet of her favorite flowers. The members may have been teasing him when they handed him the bouquet and shoved him towards her as she finished the closing speech. It was childish of them to do so, but thinking on it now, he was glad they did so.

The look of delight and gratitude in her eyes melted something in his chest. “These are beautiful,” she said almost breathlessly. “I... I think I’m gonna cry. This is _absolutely_ unfair,” she said and shook her head with a smile. She turned to the crowd. “Once again, I thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedules to be with us today. It is only through your efforts that this party-- and this organization exists and continues to exist. On behalf of the RFA, thank you for partnering with us to change lives.”

There was a round of applause and shutter keys from cameras before the party officially ended. 

Once the final guest said their farewells, he watched as she took off her heels and breathed a sigh of relief as her feet touched the cold marble floors. Her shoulders sank as she pulled up a chair and settled down. With a deep breath, she threw her head back and sighed.“It’s finally over…”

He watched with quiet admiration for a while. Watched the rise and fall of her chest as her eyes fluttered to a close. She remained that way for a few moments before she jolted awake, remembering where she was. She leaned forward fully before she stretched her limbs like a cat, picked up her heels, and stood. Rolling her head as she crossed the room.

“Headed home?” he asked as she passed him.

She paused and took two steps towards him. “Yes,” she answered with faint hoarseness in her voice. “After tonight...I have great admiration for the stamina you possess in social gatherings.”

It had coaxed an easy smile out of him. “It’s one of the things I had to accustom myself to in my line of work.” He adjusted his cuff links. Not just in his work, even as a child, this was his world already. Honeyed smiles and subtle words. This was as much a home to him as his penthouse.

“Thank you for helping me earlier,” she said. “The party ended as a success because of your help.”

He waved his hand to dismiss her remark. “It was as much our problem as yours. I’m glad it wasn’t anything serious.”

“Nonetheless, I was at your mercy, today,” she said.

“Mercy?” he repeated. “Am I that cold in your eyes?”

“Quite the opposite,” she answered immediately. A playful smile that seemed to be teasing him appeared on her face. “I think you’re kind. I think you’re very kind.”

“Sarcasm?”

She shook her head, a strand of hair falling free from her hairpin. She brushed it away. “I am much too tired for sarcasm, Jumin.” Her smile shifted. Softer, more sincere. “You don’t deserve empty platitudes.” It caught him off guard. If it’s empty platitudes, he’s heard more than enough to make his ears bleed. _It’s one of the things I had to accustom myself to_. He wanted to tell her and yet he couldn't help but hang on her word, _deserve._

She didn’t wait for a reply and merely wished him goodnight before she left. 

____________

He found it strange, yet equally pleasant, that even though they didn’t speak to each other every day, whenever they did speak, it would be hours until the conversation would draw to a close. Every time he came home from a business trip, he would send her a gift. Wine, chocolate, trinkets, one time, he sent her a necklace. Unbeknownst to her, sometimes he would send her items, even if he didn’t go on a business trip, as an excuse to start a conversation. A rather poor one at that.

There were times, however, that it would be unpleasant because even after hours had gone by or even days, his thoughts would wander at how easily her words could elicit a chuckle from him. The emotion would linger and it was unpleasantly distracting at meetings. And yet, they weren’t entirely unwelcome either.

The next party wouldn’t be held until a month later, he knew that, but when she hadn't replied to his message since last night, he couldn’t help but think. _It would be nice if I could see her._

Then, as if God had heard his unvoiced prayer and decided to answer it, he saw her as he exited the building. He had to pause when he spotted her stature, he couldn’t believe it at first and he had to ask Driver Kim if it was really her.

“Yes, Mr. Han,” he answered in confidence. “Shall I call for her?”

“No,” he answered quickly. Without hesitation, he crossed the distance between them, one of his bodyguards following him. 

She saw him approaching her and was just as surprised as he was. “Jumin!” she greeted with glee.

A wave of pleasure ran down his arms at the tone of her voice. “This is a surprise,” he managed to say.

She inclined her head ever slightly to the side. “A pleasant one, I hope.”

“May I ask what you’re doing here?” 

She hummed. “Well, I spent the night at a friend’s dorm to do a thesis. I was on my way home when I remembered that your office is in the area. I thought I’d take a peek.” She turned her attention behind him and recognized his car and Driver Kim. She waved a friendly hello before she turned back to him. “If you’re on your way to a meeting, don’t let me stop you. I should get home. Have a good day,” she said and turned away.

Then, before he could even catch himself, he called out her name. The abruptness made her pause just as she was about to ask, he interrupted her. “Have you had lunch?” He has become quite greedy, he realized. He only asked to see her, but now that she’s here, he found it difficult to let her slip away.

“Ah, not yet, I was thinking of just eating something at home.”

“If you have no prior commitments, will you join me for lunch?”

Her eyes widened for a fraction of a second before she let out a nervous laugh. “Oh...ah…er...” She cleared her throat and scratched her flushed cheeks. “I’m not sure I’m dressed appropriately for the sort of restaurant you’ll be dining in.” He studied her outfit. A simple grey sweater, loose-fitting pants, and sneakers, she looked tired. She _was_ tired. The dark patch of skin under her eyes and coffee cup on her hand told him all that he needed.

Jumin merely smiled and shook his head. “Don’t mind such things, we are there to eat lunch. Nothing else.” His sincerity was disarming and despite her exhaustion, she agreed.

Ever since he was a child he was always taught how to modulate his language. Sit on your hands if you must, but your hands must be kept to yourself until necessary, lest they betray intentions or emotions that are better kept to yourself. For a time, Jumin wondered if she had been told the same, she certainly acts like it when they’re at parties. In the privacy of their table, however, there was none of that. From across the table, Jumin watched her punctuate words with every sort of gesture she needed, and a fond smile tugged at his lips. She was a breath of fresh air from being cooped up in his office for days on end.

Then, she paused, hand hovering mid-air as she looked behind him. She straightened and hid her hands under the table. Jumin turned around only to have his mood soured. It was one of C&R’s investors, Mr. Jeong, who was together with his daughter, Iseul. He knew them both well, and although the investor was an important person for the company, his spoiled and clingy daughter was not. And so, he tried to avoid her at all costs, that day, it was inescapable.

Jumin introduced her as a friend and a co-member of the RFA as they joined their table. She tried to ignore the way Iseul, who sat beside Jumin, leaned ever so slightly towards him. It was irritating at first, but when she saw Jumin’s masked disgust and irritation, she couldn’t help but chuckle and instead, pity the poor girl.

The table ordered dessert and since Jumin knew her tastes well, he ordered something she'd like. Iseul clearly did not like this gesture. “Both the diet and the fact that I do high-intensity yoga is how I keep such a figure.” Iseul sounded quite pleased with herself. The RFA hostess looked at the woman’s unfinished velvet cake, it was too fattening she claimed. And yet, she still ordered it. “But I still want to improve it, do you think there’s some way I could?” She asked when really, she meant. ‘ _You can’t see any of my faults, see how superior I am_.’

Jumin noticed her change in demeanor immediately. Her hostess persona served as a veneer for both her exhaustion and rapidly growing vexation. “No,” she answered in a low voice. “I think your figure is splendid.”

“Oh!” Iseul exclaimed. “You really think so?” 

_As if you need my input on that._ She simply nodded in response, but it seems she wasn’t in the clear just yet. 

“How about you? Tell me about your diet,” Iseul insisted.

Beside her, Jumin shifted. His lips parted slightly before he felt a hand placed on his knee, making him pause in whatever he was about to say. He turned to her. She smiled, then, turned to Iseul with a face that couldn’t be mistaken for anything but wryness. “My studies and the RFA keep me very occupied and so I don’t have time for...vanity,” she replied with a meaningful pause.

Clearly, she got the message. “A-ah… is that so? Well, of course, I understand, but a woman’s figure is her weapon. Before you know it, your prime years will have passed you by.”

The comment did nothing to faze her. “Well, Jumin sends me boxes of sweets almost every week and I haven’t seen him complain.” She smiled, a sort of wicked smile that sent sparks up his arm. “I thank you for your concern, though,” she added.

The lunch finally ended, when Jumin returned with her, he apologized immediately. He then instructed Driver Kim to take her home as compensation. She chuckled at that. “The delicious meal was compensation enough. Besides, after that conversation…” she sighed. “It seems I always leave you to clean up my mess,” she answered. “It must be quite troublesome, you have enough work as it is.”

That wasn’t true. “I find that...you’re worth the while.” His words took her by surprise. All of a sudden her exhaustion has left her. “Will you let me treat you to another meal?” he asked as he stood outside of the car, Driver Kim waiting to shut it. “Next time I’ll make certain that there is no unwanted company.”

“Your penthouse would be our safest bet, then.” Her laugh was mellifluous and enough to ease the sinking guilt. The thought of her wandering about his penthouse, sitting next to Elizabeth the 3rd, her laughter echoing within the room, he’d certainly love to come home to that.

“I’ll look forward to it,” she told him.

 _Me too,_ he thought as he stepped away and watched as she was driven away.

____________

The 4th party they planned was relatively larger than the very first one. She could handle herself better now, it seems. She required less assistance in organizing the guest list, speaking to caterers and event managers, she knew how to brief staff, and more importantly, she has gotten used to the speeches. 

There were three weeks left until the party when suddenly she had disappeared. Her icon showed that she was offline whenever he checked and she didn’t reply to his latest message. The members were quite worried, but it wasn’t new to them. Sometimes schoolwork would pile up so much, she didn’t have even a minute to spare. The members understood, but still, Jumin knew she would leave a notice.

He had called and sent a handful of messages, sending anymore would be, he thought, intrusive. She just left with nary a word. Every night that passed he would stare blankly at his phone wondering if those handfuls of months spent together mounted up to nothing but meretricious intimacy. He didn’t know her enough, it seems. Perhaps, he doesn’t know her at all.

Finally, he reached out to Luciel. She had moved out of Rika’s apartment, but there was no way that Luciel wasn’t keeping tabs on her. His reply was rather vague, but he assured him that she was alright. In retrospect, there was no need to worry, most of the preparations are done, most of the work is just for updates. Yet, he couldn’t shake his uneasiness.

Another week has passed.

The members were concerned. He was driven mad. 

Jaehee has noticed and assured him that, “She is a capable woman, she’ll be alright.” But he clearly was not. He would arrive at his home and despite Elizabeth the 3rd’s purring and soft brushes against his leg, the penthouse felt empty. As if the place he had gone home to for years was sickeningly large.

One night, he caught himself rubbing the leg where the woman he so fondly yearned for, rested her hand with unspoken assurance. Where a warmth seemed to linger despite the weeks that had passed. He told Driver Kim to head to her place, and despite the hour, he rang the bell to her apartment. He rang it two times more.

There was no answer. 

He was about to turn away when he heard a chain unlock, next thing he knew the door swung open so fast he felt his heart flutter. There she was, hair disheveled, dark patches of skin under her eyes, and wearing a shirt that covered her down to her thighs. “Jumin,” she breathed out. The scent of liquor wafted up to his nose. She didn’t look alright at all. “What are you doing here?” the question came out dryly and almost demandingly.

“I was...worried,” he confessed.

A heavy silence settled in the moments that her eyes searched his person. There was something invasive in her faze. A deep breath escaped from her nose. She looked even more exhausted than when he saw her last. “Come inside, then,” she permitted, walked off, and allowed him to close the door for himself.

He stepped into her apartment. It was a studio type apartment and wasn’t heavily furnished. There was a kitchen with dirty dishes and a bookshelf with absent organization. She had and a desk where her laptop and some of the trinkets he gave her rested, situated a few paces away from her unmade bed. His eyes wandered to the walls and noticed the lack of photos or even artwork. 

He watched her cross her living space before she slumped down on her couch and poured herself some more wine. He joined her, crossing the space between them almost too cautiously. He made sure to sit on the furthest end. With the way her shirt shifted against her thighs, almost teasingly, it was a wise decision."Did something happen?"

Her head bobbed to the side. She considered giving him a sarcastic reply. But the genuine concern in his voice didn't deserve that. "It's been… a rough couple of days,” she replied instead and took a sip of her wine.

The space beside her sank as he sat. "Would you like to tell me about it? I'm always willing to listen."

She spared him a glance and quickly picked up his discomfort from the rigidness of his posture. She paid it no heed and propped her feet up on the coffee table. She wondered if she should, then again, she couldn’t find a reason not to. "It was my mother's birthday recently," she said.

"Did you celebrate?” he asked. She nodded weakly. “That’s good, then.”

"It is,” she said with a heavy tone. “It is, but my relationship with her is quite...strained." She answered. "She and my father spent _years_ in the same house, fighting _all_ the time before they decided to separate. Even then, the fighting didn't stop." She took a sip of the wine and Jumin wondered how many she's had before he arrived. "Anyways, she made it a point this year that I visit her on her birthday and celebrate it with her new family."

“Did something happen in the celebration? Did her new family not want you there?”

She shook her head. “No, the celebration went fine.”

“And yet you sound unsatisfied.”

There was a certain glisten in her eyes that almost looked like tears. "I don't know...” she paused to bite her lip in uncertainty, “I just thought that...well, it's a birthday, isn't it? My mother's birthday. I should go." 

“And you did,” he reminded her. "You did the right thing.”

She didn't look at him. She wasn’t really looking at anything. "Yes," she answered, her soft voice riddled with disappointment.

What was it she was looking for? He didn't understand. There was something wrong in this room, something that made him lose his words, something that made his thoughts stutter. As if the dim light from her lampshade was the one keeping him from fully seeing her.

"Why did you go?" 

She blinked twice, each time was slow and almost mournful. Whether it was exhaustion or alcohol, or the two combined, it didn't matter, the room was too quiet for his liking. Jumin searched for a tell, but her passive face didn’t betray enough.

"Because," she began, "I hate her.” Despite the statement, there was no malice in her voice. It was as if she was merely stating a common fact. “She and my dad married early for a baby that was unplanned. They found every excuse to start a fight until they finally decided it wasn’t worth it. The baby...she wasn’t worth it.” She sipped her wine until she finished it. “So, I drove 3 hours to her pretty new house so I could justify these emotions. I wanted to pity her children because they have an awful mother who gifts her child with harsh realities. Leaves them with the aftermath of her mistakes as if children knew what to do with those." Her head fell to the side, towards him, but she was too far to rest her head on his shoulders. "But there wasn't any of that. In the end, _I_ was the pitiful child, _I_ was the outsider. The world had moved forward and those children had a different mother. Said she was thankful that I was there, excited that her children are going to have an older sister." She clicked her tongue in annoyance and finished her glass of wine.

Jumin swallowed hard. She was looking for advice, perhaps. She was confused and she needed a guiding hand. He could do that. "Whatever you’re feeling, the children are not at fault."

She leaned back on the couch again. Eyes that had focused on the ceiling fluttered closed. "No, they aren’t."

"It must’ve been difficult, but you must learn to let this go.” Somehow, he didn’t completely believe in his words.

"You’re right." A tell in her tone of pessimistic hopelessness revealed itself.

She was guarded. 

He recognized mental armor when he saw one. He has one himself. A strong one that only an army could break. He has to. Some emotions have no place in his attaining his goals. Some emotions are not needed. The really good ones, they could hide it really well. She has certainly done an excellent job in doing so, thus far. But he was in her home, there was no need to have it here. And so there it was, exposed for him to see. Whatever she was hiding in there, he doubted it would be as small as a firecracker. If he broke through her walls, would everything else around him crumble? Would he be brave enough to withstand such a thing?

"Why haven’t you forgiven her?" he asked. "What happened was in the past, it’s not wise to dwell in it..."

He watched her grip on the empty glass tighten. A fracture in her fortress. Exactly the sort he was hoping to avoid. 

"Yes it is, but I'm still dealing with the aftermath in the present,” she answered, unable to hide the vitriol in the way she leaned forward and set her glass down on the wooden table, loud enough to elicit a subtle flinch. Not subtle enough for her _not_ to notice, though. 

She poured another glass and drank it just as quickly.

He opened his mouth to call her name, but she had risen from her seat. She walked slow but graceful steps towards the kitchen. "If you’re done telling me things I already know, then you should leave." 

He’s never heard such clear hostility slathered over her words. And, with her back turned to him, he knew. "I’ve offended, I apologize."

She regarded him indifferently as she opened the fridge door. "It's late Jumin, it isn't appropriate for you to be here at such an hour."

The hollowness of failure sunk itself in his chest. He...had disappointed her. Jumin understood and rose from his seat. "Yes, I apologize, I will go, then." He watched her as she brought out a granola bar from the fridge, placed it on the counter before walking the seven necessary steps for her to reach her door. When he stepped out, he turned back to her and her eyes still refused to meet his. "Good night."

"I sure hope so," she muttered and shut the door. 

He remained in the hallway until his bodyguard called out to him. The walk down the hall was quiet. The ride back home was quiet. The elevator ride up was quiet. 

The penthouse was still cold.

____________

The following day she returned to the chatroom. The members asked questions and she tied them up neatly with a jest and a cheerful, 'lolol why wouldn't I be?'. And just like that, they believed her. He wondered what face she was making when she had typed that out. Jaehee was relieved that she took back the reins of party organizing, she apologized profusely and promised to treat her to a coffee date.

She still hadn't replied to his message.

____________

The day of the party came. This time it would start in the evening. Usually, a car would pick up the members but the strangest thing happened when he arrived at the party, Jaehee came up to him to tell him she was nowhere to be found. Not in her apartment. Not in her university.

The party was going to start in a few minutes. What did she mean she wasn’t there? He was about to explode into a full-on panic before he caught himself. _If you stay calm, you can think of a logical conclusion_ , his father always taught him. 

"Give it a few minutes, I'm sure she knows better than to abandon today just like that." Jaehee believed him and he sincerely hoped she wouldn't prove him a liar. Worst case scenario, he’ll take over her duties for the night.

She did arrive. In one of Luciel's cars, just a few minutes short of being officially late to the event. Jumin saw clearly from the balcony as he answered a business call, how Luciel opened the car door for her, and offered a hand. She stepped out in a maroon, off-shoulder dress with an asymmetrical skirt that showed off her legs. Luciel whispered something in her ear and her face broke into a grin.

Hostility threatened to burst through his calm demeanor. He promptly dropped the call and came to the entrance just as Jaehee did. "What do you have to say for yourself?" Jaehee asked with an amused smile.

Her hand rested on Luciel's arm. She arched a brow as she addressed Jaehee. "I was joining Luciel on an important mission,” she answered, her other hand lightly patting his arm.

"It's true," Luciel nodded. "Thankfully, I brought her along. She saved my life just now, and we just made it in time here."

Jaehee regarded them with indifference. "I see Luciel has influenced you with his shenanigans."

She giggled behind her hand as the redhead gasped with feigned offense. Finally, she withdrew her hand from Luciel's arm and patted his back. "Thanks, Seven, I'll take it from here." Luciel nodded and walked off to find V. "It's not too far from the truth I was out drinking with a friend last night and I admittedly got hammered and stayed at their place. So I called up Seven. As it turns out he was so focused on work he had turned off all his alarms. Just between us,” she leaned forward, “we may or may not have run a few reds."

Jaehee sighed. "I can't believe I'm saying this but I actually prefer the first excuse." Jaehee handed her a list and she brushed past him to greet the guests.

Then, after she gave her opening speech; After she sat down and for dinner; after the auction; After she was handed another bouquet; After she said her farewells to the guest; After everything... Jumin found her on the balcony. 

He spent more time than necessary, pondering if he could perhaps approach her. If it was permitted to do so now. She was civil enough when she spoke to him earlier. In the end, he decided to. He had overstepped his bounds last night. He should apologize before it’s too late. 

Just as he was about to cross the threshold leading to the balcony, he suddenly noticed she had company. Immediately, he took a few steps back. He recognized him to be a companion of one of the guests, they were never introduced, however. He was about to walk off when he heard her voice. "Just stop," she said, sharply. "You _had_ your chance, I waited and gave you 365 chances."

"Please, I can't...I just, let me try again. I just can’t get over...us" he pleaded.

"Well you better damn well try because there is no _us._ And if this shit-world gave a damn, there would never be an _us_ ," she scoffed. "You come up to me with this fuckery again and I’ll make sure you never see me again."

Jumin flinched. She always had this persona with the guests, not once has he heard her swear at them or ever. The man nodded and left. He saw his frustration as he stomped off. He turned back to her frame leaning on the balustrade. He took a step out into the balcony, then another, then another, then another, until he stood a few paces away from her. 

"Please," she began with sunken shoulders, "not tonight, Jumin."

His knees shook at the way he breathed out his name. The sound shook him to the core and sent tremors down the skin of his arms. He wanted to touch her.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes," she had meant to say it affectionately. Mellifluously. Genuinely. Yet, it left her mouth with a low growl of frustration. Her eyes slid shut and she released a warm breath. "Yes," she tried again. A success, this time. "I'm an integral part of this organization, I should be alright."

Jumin crossed the floor to the balustrade and leaned his back on it. He half-expected her to snap and tell him to leave, but she doesn't. And so, he unbuttons his jacket, shrugs it off and places it gingerly on her shoulders. "You know that's not the reason." The scent of her perfume wafted up to his nose. Intoxicating his veins more potently than any wine he's had.

She didn’t pull away, and under his touch, a little of her tension eased. She turned her head to face him. Cosmetics may have hidden the exhaustion in her eyes, but not under the moonlight. Not under his watchful, almost desperate gaze. "Then, why _are_ you here?"

"I...I wanted to see you. See if you’re alright. I wanted to...apologize. I shouldn't have said something so selfish. So ignorant.” He took a breath. "I'm...sorry. I find it hard to...your frustration. Your anger. I don't want to be on the end of it." 

A sigh escaped through her nose as she shook her head. "I'm not angry at you. I never was."

It was just unfair. She knew those children were innocent and they deserve to be happy. But a small voice would incessantly tell her that she was innocent, too. Once. Didn't she deserve to be happy? That word. Happy. She’s beginning to think it was such an overrated word, held in too high a regard. She was tired of looking for happiness. Where should she even start? In herself? _Bullshit._ She didn’t need happiness, not anymore. She could settle for less pain. That would be enough. Just less. Enough for a breath.

"Did that man upset you?" Jumin asked.

Again, she shook her head. "Not any more than he usually does," she answered and shifted her weight between her stiletto heels. "He's my ex-boyfriend," she said before he could cautiously ask. She turned with a sickly smile. “Would you like to hear the story?"

"If you’d like to share."

A low, amused hum escaped her lips or perhaps it was a grunt of disapproval at his politeness. “We met freshman year of college, dated after a few months of flirting. Spent a year and a half together until someone from his past came crawling back.” Her gaze turned upwards as if the stars could help her recall or perhaps, ease the pain of the memory. She tugged on his coat a little tighter. “Each passing day, his gaze traveled a little further away from me, and so, I told him: _'Let's take a break, figure out what you want, and when you have, you come and tell me and it'll be alright_ .'” Her voice broke at the last word. “It’ll be alright,” she repeated in a whisper. “I spent a year preparing myself for the possibility that it won't be me– for the possibility that it _will_ be me. And I...I..."

"You?" he asked to coax the answer out of her. 

She laughed bitterly, before biting down on her lip. "I'd have been fine if he had the decency to just tell me, you know? But he didn't. He just left me wondering.” She buried her face into her hands for a moment as anger churned in her gut. She dropped her hands back to the baluster’s ledge. "And now he's back...telling me he made the wrong choice. I told him I've gotten over him, and yet, I can't help but think that we really were...good together."

"He was your first love," he tried to console, it was a poor attempt. He spoke as if he was well-versed in such things. A first love, he wondered if he’s had one. A woman appeared in his mind. Blonde, bright, beautiful, and never meant to be held by hands that belonged to him. 

She scoffed. "He wasn't my first love. My first love was in high school. A 16-year-old with lip rings and pretty words promising he'd stay with me forever. He didn't think that would mean growing up." She pulled on his coat tighter. "I just have a knack for picking them, don't I?"

"They say children tend to emulate their parents. It's not entirely your fault."

Her eyes wandered over to him with a wry look. "I didn't take you for a liar, Jumin." But he wasn't lying. "No. This has gone on for years. Whatever I am now, it was my choice."

 _Indeed_ , a villainous voice inside her began. _You're a broken, pitiful mess that can barely stand upright on your own legs. That's all you are._

Her eyes clamped shut. _Quiet._ She barked.

He drew closer and again, she did not reprimand him. "You didn't let me finish. It's not entirely your fault, and it's not entirely who you are. You are more than your mistake–"

"Stop," she demanded, pleaded. "It… won't work out between us."

He paused in utter confusion. "Between...us? What do you mean?"

She shook her head and smiled up at him, softly, sadly. "Whether you mean to or not, I know an expectant look when I see it."

"It's not...like...that," he said without an ounce of conviction. 

She turned her whole frame to face him. "Then what _do_ you want?" 

His silence proved his uncertainty.

She reached up to touch his face. Her hand was cold, right down to the fingertips. Such is her touch. And he’s never known to yearn anything else as much as this.

"You," she whispered like a promise, like a spell, "are constant and resolute. Both feet planted on the ground...and I....” A broken breath escaped her mouth as if she was trying to lock up a sob that threatened to escape. “The only thing constant about me is the cacophony of voices drowning me. Always. Saving me means diving into my waters." Her fingers caressed his cheek before it left him entirely. "For the sake of us both, stay within the safety of the shore."

"And if I don't want to?"

She shook her head slowly. "Jumin, I don't think there is anyone else I regard as highly as you. And if I weren't so...damaged. So lacking. I'd have said yes before you even asked."

Silence surrounded them both for a few moments before she placed a healthy distance between them. 

His chest grew tight, yet he was breathing just fine. It’s just that...it’s tight in there. It’s tight and hollow at the same time. That’s impossible, he thought. And yet, he had no words to describe it. 

He didn’t notice the driver she had assigned to her had called her for departure until she was pushing his coat onto his chest. “You’ll be alright, Jumin. Get some rest tonight.”

_He saw his father, speaking to his assistant as she held his suitcase. ‘Father are you leaving, again? Will you make it to my birthday this time?’_

_His father smiled. The pitiful and apologetic kind. ‘You’ll be alright Jumin, now go to bed.’_

His hand shot up to grasp her arm. Tightly at first, before he loosened his grip. It surprised both of them. “You’re wrong,” he breathed. He could see it clear as day. Her fortress with walls mounted up by every broken moment she’s had to shoulder in solitude. The drawbridge was lowered, but so were the gates. 

_About what?_ She wanted to ask, but instead, she shook her head and tugged at her arm. No, asking would mean hope. She had no need for hope. She had no place for it. He released her. “Good night.”

She left him. Because that was the only way to stop herself from hoping.

____________

The calls stopped almost entirely. She wanted to apologize to him, but that would mean taking back what she told him. And she couldn't do that. No, not to him. This was for him as much as it was for her. 

Yet, the gifts still arrived.

____________

She received an email from an environmental conservation organization that would like to partner with the RFA. The chairman of the organization will be attending a launch party with C&R and asked if they could formally be introduced there. She agreed and asked Jumin for an invitation. He was professional about it and immediately had her added to the guest list. She expected nothing less. Jumin is practical and there was nothing about her that would make him miss her anyways. He's surely moved on and she couldn't be more...pleased.

The party was formal and happened over dinner. She met with the chairman and with Jumin there, the partnership was set in stone. The only thing left to do was sign a contract to be sent on Monday.

Jumin commended her and since business is done, she should enjoy the party. To be honest, she didn’t know if that was even possible. She hardly knew anyone here and interacting with them was different since it’s not like they gathered there to donate to a homeless shelter. No, instead they were celebrating a new product that she hardly knew anything about.

She thought about sticking close to him all night, but Jumin was speaking to important people, she'd just get in the way. And so, here she finds herself with a few ladies that approached her since she looked like such a wallflower standing by the champagne tower. 

"Oh is it true, Yeonha, you're next in line?"

Yeonha smirked. "Well, Gyeong had her shot, and so it's my turn." 

"Oh? And what did you have planned?"

A smile appeared on Yeonha’s garnet lips. The sort of proud, elitist grin that has been abundantly displayed amongst the other guests. "I had my father speak to him." The ladies chuckled along with her.

That’s when she decided to enter the conversation. "Sorry, can I ask what this is about?" 

Yeonha gave her an almost pitiful look that made her decide that perhaps, it wasn't worth it, after all, to stay at this party. "Jumin Han," she answered. "I had my father arrange a marriage agreement between our companies. My family is one of C&R’s most generous and loyal investors. Such a thing will only serve to benefit him."

"Do you think it will work?"

"Of course!" She proudly exclaimed with a gesture of her hand. "Jumin Han is a rational person, he will surely see the benefits and my father will make sure of that. Not to mention Jumin’s father thinks highly of me, as well."

Her eyes cast down with a dark look, equal parts horror, and vexation. _So, you think that's all he is then? Rational. Self-serving._ "You're in love with him then?”

"From the moment I first saw him," she answered in confidence. "He's handsome, he's rich, he's exceptional at _everything_ he does–" _you haven't seen his photography skills_ "–he's every woman's dream!"

"It's exactly why so many women are after him," added one of Yeonha’s friends.

 _After him,_ she repeated in her mind, _Like a prized mare._

"I'm not like them, though," she said in a matter-of-factly tone. "I know Jumin, that's why I know this will work."

"No you don't, and that's why _I_ know it won't work."

The words seemed to be enough to shatter her fantasies. The look of utter horror and betrayal was almost satisfying enough to quell her anger. Yeonha clicked her tongue sharply. "And how would you know?"

"Because you are a shallow woman,” she said, not bothering to sweeten her words with a soft tone. “Your feelings are shallow and that's why you think Jumin is someone who will fall for shallow tricks." 

"H-how...dare you?!" Yeonha raised her hand to slap her but it was easily caught.

She rolled her eyes and tossed Yeonha’s hand aside. "Don't lump him with the likes of you. That man is out of your league,” she barked. She walked away after that.

The night drew to a close and no one approached her after that, no doubt because rumors had spread about her already. She was ready to go home and so she walked around in search of Jumin. She found him in the next room, sitting by the piano. The room looked unprepared but she figured the employees were too scared to tell him he wasn’t supposed to be in there.

He sat there with his fingers on the keys, yet, he pressed none. She approached him. “I apologize,” she said.

He looked at her, surprised that he didn’t hear her enter. “Is this about what they’re saying about you in the hall? You needn’t,” he said. “I’m sure the claims are false.” 

_Not entirely._ She stopped when she was a single step away from him. “No, not that,” she answered. He moved to the side to let her sit. She remained where she was. “You understand after all, what it feels like to be surrounded by voices.”

His gaze softened. “I’ve gotten used to it,” he turned his gaze back to the piano. “It hardly bothers me anymore.”

_They treat you like a plaything. Something to pass the time. Something to entertain them. Something to use. A stepping stone. And somehow, you’re the one that’s cold._

"A heart that feels too much, and one that refuses to feel anything at all."

He raised his gaze to look at her once more. Her eyes stared down at him, softly, her lips twitch into a frown. "Are you pointing out our stark differences?" 

Her head inclined ever so slightly. "Are two sides of the same coin, really so different from one another?" There was a long pause that lingered between them as she let him ponder over her words. Then, she rested a hand on his shoulder. “You look tired, come on, then. Time to go home, I’m sure Elizabeth is looking for you.”

____________

“Thank you again for watching Elizabeth for me,” Jumin said as he leaned back on her couch. 

She smiled and settled down next to him with a mug of tea for both of them. “I’m happy to help, I’m also glad you returned safely.” Elizabeth the 3rd purred as she rubbed herself against Jumin’s legs. “Looks like she missed you,” she noted. “Isn’t it great Elizabeth? You get to go home and I can finally focus on arranging the next party.”

“How are the preparations going?” He asked. 

She sipped her tea before she rose from the couch. “As well as can be expected,” she answered as she walked over to her laptop sitting on the counter top by her kitchen. “We might need to find a new venue, though.”

He stood and walked over to her. She was looking at her emails. “Why so?”

“Some guests from the last party are eager to attend, but the venue we secured can’t hold that many people.” Her fingers danced on the keyboard for a few moments, before she turned to meet him. “Should we limit the guests, instead? Invitations were sent out already, though. It would be terribly rude to do so.”

He’s spent months not letting his mind wander off to a scene where she was alone with him, with wine in hand and laughter in between them, it took a great deal of effort even for him. It took an even greater deal of effort for him not to imagine him leaning close with her face flushed red to her ears. Such musings seemed so distant, now. 

“That night...” he said in a low voice. “Did you really mean it? What you said, that it wouldn’t work between--”

“I remember what I said,” she interrupted. Her shoulder sank and she shook her head. “Don’t...do this,” she told him with a hint of a plea. She brushed past him to put distance between them. “Just let it go, you’ll find someone better, I know you will.”

His brows drew together. “I don’t want better, I want you.” 

Again, she shook her head. “You don’t know what that means.” She crossed her arms. “I… you don't know what you’re asking for." Drawbridge raised. Gates lowered. He was still outside. “Jumin, it _won’t_ work.”

“How do you know that?” He took a step forward. “I’m in love with you, don’t you understand that?”

“Do you?” she barked back. “Do you understand what it means to love me?”

“No."

“Exactly!” she barked. “Exactly, so just stop it.”

“I don’t know what it means, I don’t know what it means to truly love someone. All my life, I’ve only gone as far as distant admiration, but...” he took a step towards her. “But you’re only one I’ve ever thought to be worth it to find out.” Another step. “Wherever it takes me.” Another step. “I’m willing to find out.”

Her jaw tensed. “Enough!” Her hand shot up and pressed against his chest to stop him from taking another. Her voice shook, her eyes glistened. Her heart was beating too fast. “S-stop it, just let this go--”

A hand wrapped around her wrist, soft enough not to hurt her yet strong enough to keep her in place. His gaze. She couldn’t meet his gaze. “I can’t!” he shouted loud enough for her to flinch. “I’ve tried! I’ve tried to render every touch, every word, every gesture, every memory of you, worthless. I’ve tried to rid myself of you and every attempt was futile. I can’t...I can’t let you go, please don’t make me. For me, there’s only you.”

She shook her head. “Don’t do this...please. Can’t you see?” She said with broken breaths as she bent forward to push him away. “This is for you too...we can’t…we can’t, Jumin.”

“Look at me,” he pleaded with a voice that took every ounce of her to stand firm against. She shook her head. She can’t. If she sees him, it’ll collapse. The walls she’s worked so hard to build, they’ll crumble under his steely gaze. 

He’ll ruin it. 

The hand on his chest trembled. “What are you so afraid of?” he asked.

She’ll ruin him. Because that’s what she does.

“I’m not afraid…” she answered in a broken whisper. 

“Yes, you are.”

Her head shot up to throw him a cold glare. “I’m not afraid, Jumin!” Her hand closed into a fist, rumpling his shirt. “I’m tired!” she barked. He watched her glare at him, pink-cheeked with anger. “I’m so fucking spent on...on...on believing liars who think hearts are a dime a dozen.” She heaved a breath to reel in her anger, but the tears broke through. She strained to control the sob clawing at her throat. “You. You...stand here and tell me that you’re in love with me. That you’ll give up anything for me and what if...what if a day comes and you realize that I wasn’t worth it, after all.That...that...that cleaning up the messes that I make isn’t what you signed up for. And once again, I’ve spent more than what I’ve bargained for.” She shook her head ferociously. Tears silently dropped to the floor. “I’m tired... I’m just tired of breaking pieces of myself and never getting them back. Don’t you understand? Don’t you see it? This is what you are asking for, Jumin! This is what I am.”

He watched with a broken heart as he watched the only woman he ever dared to love shed tears slump to the tiled floor. Her arm remained in his hand. He knelt in front of her. “I do,” he answered. “I do, see. I look at you now and nothing has changed. I still soften under your touch, I still yield under your gaze, I still yearn for your laughter, I still search for the secrets that make you shed tears.” He let go of her arm to wipe her tear-stained cheek.

Finally, she let go of what little control she had over her emotions. She cried until her shoulder shook trying to keep in pace with her sobs. She shook her head. Her hands rose to cup his face. His eyes flutter under her touch. She holds him like he’s the precious one. Like he’s the one worthy of such a gentle touch. Her hands shake as if he’s delicate and she’s afraid of holding too tightly. She looks at him like he’s the only thing that matters in her universe. “I love you…” she whispered like a prayer. “I love you so much, but I… I can’t fix myself, Jumin, I’m tired of trying to,” she heaved for breaths. “It’s all I know, it’s all I’ve become.” 

And so, he took her shaking hand and pressed a kiss into the open palm with a wish that it would ease all the cuts it suffered trying to pick up all the jagged pieces. “I’ll stay with you, no matter what mess we get ourselves into.”

She yielded, although not completely. But she met him. She met him. And she stayed until the tears had stopped and her breathing slowed. She allowed him to touch her soul until she found peace in the galaxy of his gaze. “Cleaning up after me is rotten work, Jumin.”

“If it’s you, I find it’s worth my while.”


End file.
